Clarence Thomas Says He Is Open to Revisiting Interracial Marriage, While Glaring at His Wife Over the Candied Yams

Sources Say You Could Tell The Idea Has Been Brewing For Some Time.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In remarks that reportedly stunned guests at a private Supreme Court dinner party Thursday evening, Justice Clarence Thomas declared that he was “open to reconsidering the constitutionality of interracial marriage,” pausing only to shoot a long, slow glare at his white wife, Virginia, while scooping candied yams onto his plate.

“Look, if we’re willing to revisit Obergefell and Lawrence, then surely we can take a fresh look at Loving v. Virginia,” Thomas said, pointedly slapping a second helping of candied yams on top of the first, “And if doing so retroactively liberates some of us from certain binding obligations made decades ago… well, fiat justitia ruat caelum. That’s just the Constitution doing its job.”

He then turned toward Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson, who had the misfortune of being seated next to the feuding couple. “Now this is how yams are supposed to taste. Sweet. Seasoned. Cooked by someone with soul."

Jackson, who had very much not made the yams, blinked twice and stared silently at her plate.

The entire conflict began shortly after the main course was served, when Virginia teased her husband, “Easy on the yams, Clarence, or your robe’s gonna start looking like a halter top.”

But what many described as a "light spousal ribbing" quickly escalated into an infamous moment of judicial history when Justice Brett Kavanaugh, mid-sip of his Michelob Ultra, burst into a full spit-take across the table. The polite laughter turned into an uproar.

“Everyone was cackling. Sotomayor laughed so hard she knocked over Alito’s shrimp cocktail," said one source, "And Clarence just sat there, fuming. The next thing I know, he's flirting with overturning almost sixty years of precedent."

That's when Virginia reportedly exploded. “You’d really destroy millions of marriages because you don’t have the balls to end ours?”

A tense silence ensued. Justice Kavanaugh attempted to lighten the atmosphere by changing the subject to the Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce engagement, but the conversation had already become fully derailed.

Thomas doubled down and finished off the rest of his wine, muttering, “If undoing gay marriage is step one, then undoing interracial marriage is just ipso facto step two. It’s simply a logical progression.”

Chief Justice Roberts coughed aggressively into his cloth napkin. Justice Sotomayor reportedly whispered, “Oh my god,” while Justice Gorsuch took a long, meditative bite of baked brie.

Virginia then hissed, “Why don’t you start with the 21st Amendment, Clarence—because you’re drunk again.”

“Why not?" Shouted Thomas, "With the way you’ve got me slaving in your flower beds, you’ve apparently already repealed the 13th!”

Guests gasped. Justice Amy Coney Barrett dropped her fork, and a heated fight about perennials ensued.

At press time, sources confirmed Clarence Thomas was seen living out of his luxury RV parked behind the Supreme Court building.